Don Fierro was not hatched inside of a gypsy audio engineer's abandoned eq rack found on the shores of the French Riviera, as he has led so many of us to believe, but was in fact raised by dolphins in the opulent waterways of Long Island, NY. Here his love of sailing and seafood was fostered into a near-pathological obsession. After being arrested several times for trying to break the seals out of Central Park (presumedly to eat them), he escaped Riker's Island and joined a honky tonk act in Denver, CO. Following his 300th performance of "There's a Tear in my Beer", Don left the stage and, after accidently biting into a mock fish sandwich, fell in with the city's infamous "vegan dungeon crowd". Grilled cheese sandwiches ran screaming from Don's vindictive cat o' nine, and once-loved shrimps were forced into humiliating latex costumes! Thankfully, Don was rescued by a giant hermit crab named Herman, who whisked him away on magical overseas adventures, and showed him how to love again.
Lisa "Peg leg" Fierro, while sharing the same last name as her estranged brother Don, actually had a far more interesting upbringing deeper in the Atlantic, amongst seahorses and angler fish. Many angler males tried to bite onto her, waggling their headlamps in an attempt at courtship, but she soon grew tired of their affections, and abandoned the sea for the burly Rockies, where she modeled for Coors Light ads. After liberally abusing the free beer, and the revelation of a mysterious green skull, she was fired on her first day. She was then offered a highly sought after position working for Rachel Ray, which she accepted. Stunning the culinary world, she used their first meting as an opportunity to drop kick Ms. Ray while yelling "IT DOESN'T TAKE THAT LONG TO SAY EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL!!"
Andy Craig is not from this country. He's barely even from this world. How else can you explain his former job as stunt double for Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves in the acclaimed film "Point Break". His surf moves are simply otherworldly! After failing to become a magician like his hero, David Blaine, in his homeland of Australia, he moved on to Hollywood to make a bit of movie magic instead. Later, when his trailer was left behind in Aspen, CO during a shoot of "Aspen Extreme", he decided he'd stay there and try to become a real snowboard instructor and top pond racing sailor. He attributes his success at life with his habit of starting each day laying out lines of finely ground espresso and snorting them with $100 bills. He will also never share his special cocoa with you. Don't even ask
Carl Grodnik was struck by lightning in 1996 after winning the Mr. Indiana competition--and not metaphorical lightening either. After failing to prove that the lightning strike was divined by his jealous loser competition, he retreated underground to harness his new electrified power, coming out for a few hours every harvest to ride atop hay bales and wave to his adoring fans. Finally, Carl emerged back out into the world, as Electroman!
Unfortunately, the world had changed since last he'd seen the rise and set of the sun over cornfields. Everyone now had clappers and remote controls and weren't impressed when Carl pointed his finger to turn on their coffee makers. Electroman moved to Colorado for some reason, and was soon picked up by John Olmes, top film producer, who promised to make him a star. Following the massive implosion of Carl's only feature film debut, "Snow Balls", he turned his life over to the Lord, Poseidon.
Not much is known about Leslie "Parrot-les" Henkel before 1979. Breaking into the rough and tumble world of carnival ride repair at the age of 13, she made a name for herself modifying Zippers and Gravitrons to torturous speeds all across the country. After the "Zipper Incident of 1987" and the realization she could not stand the smell of cabbage for another day, she found herself adrift on the highways of the Dakota's. The few bits of information surviving from these dark days all point to Leslie being the primary cause of the renaming of South Dakota's Frolicking Forest to the now infamous and barren Badlands. She is said to have shown up in Cincinnati yelling about the Pacific being next!! And then promptly leaving the AC/DC exhibit.
Raleigh "Rawhide" Rodriguez is still widely known as the beloved Purina Chow dog, despite the embarrassing years of drug overdoses, short-lived marriages to Hollywood starlets, compromising photos of Raleigh without pants, underpants, or even a collar, and the pathetic comeback attempts via reality shows like Intervention, Celebrity Rehab, and Hogan Knows Best. Weary of the spirit-grinding nature of reality TV, Raleigh hitched his way to Seattle, WA, where he engaged in a tranquil new life rolling scraps of magazines into beads, braiding hair, and crocheting hemp into fun accessories, before crewing on boats and finding his true mistress: The Sea. Raleigh has recently taken up driftwood whittling, and shooting laser beams out of his eyes.